How to Lose

What is it about distance that makes people internally cringe? Is it because of being “Too close for comfort”? or “Always keeping them at arms length.”? According to Judee Burgooon, it’s about expecting something and getting something totally different.

In her theory, “Expectancy Violations Theory”, she explains how a person’s distance can affect one’s understanding of the other. There are times when we expect people to be in a certain distance from us while be communicate.

For example, in a work setting, like in a office, we don’t expect our boss to hug, kiss or be too intimate with us… at least not in front of everyone else. Husbands also expect the loving comfort of our wives, unless they did something stupid and they won’t be forgiven until they figured what pissed their wives so much.

In “How to loose a guy in 10 days”, its about what be expect in a budding romance. In this romantic comedy, Boy meets girl, Girl meets boy, Boy and Girl get to know each other, then Boy and Girl either end happily ever after or Boy pulls a retraining order out on the Girl. In most cases the later is something a girl would never want to happen, but there are things, a lot of things that can provoke this.

In the case Andy played by Kate Hudson and Ben played by Matthew Machoney, Andy deliberately made each Ben crazy in the ways she knew all women could, scare them away. In the movie, her character raised a hundred red flags that would have drove any man insane.

She invaded his home and private space. She went ahead and unexpectedly introduced herself to his parents. Then proceeded to take over his life and even planned ahead ‘their’ future. She pushed herself too aggressively and according to EVT, would cause Ben to feel uncomfortable and most likely pull away and break up.

In any relationship, romantic or not, there is this gradual growth between two people. There is always this fine line between when dealing with someone you potentially might end up with. It may differ in amount of time or phases but one this must always be present… mutuality. Both want there to be this still have this great, new and fun feeling that you didn’t have before meeting but profound comfort and ease with each other.